Introduction: Denial (x2)

Have you ever denied something about yourself? I've done so in a couple of different ways: primarily consciously and primarily subconsciously. I was shocked upon discovering the denial that was primarily subconscious; it felt paranormal.

The primarily conscious denial, however... was no surprise whatsoever. In fact, I'd always known that I was denying that aspect of myself. It just took Kate Bornstein and female hormones to make me stop.

I don't know Kate Bornstein, but I read her memoir, A Queer and Pleasant Danger. I already knew I was transsexual when I started reading it. I didn't know that I was a lesbian. (...Kind of.)

Why do we deny things about ourselves?

In the case of my primarily subconscious denial - that I was trans - I decided long ago that exploring my gender would be 1) shameful and 2) pointless, because there was nothing I could do about it anyway (so I thought).

But why, oh why, did I deny that I was attracted to women?

Before beginning my transition, I knew that I liked girls. But when gender dysphoria nipped at my loins, I explained it away with the only conclusion my pubescent, subconsciously-in-denial consciousness could come up with: I was attracted to dudes!

I mean, why else would my high school self fear fulfilling the role that my girlfriend so badly needed me to? Why, after starting and enjoying a great relationship with her, would I all of a sudden take issue with that ostensibly glorious act of lovemaking?

"You want me to put what where???"

I'd seen The Man Show. I'd listened to The Howard Stern Show. I had even looked at those pornographic movies on the internet. But I never expected to face what she wanted me to do with her.

So there I was: a seventeen-year old, (mostly) heterosexual boy, who was afraid to lose his virginity with a beautiful girl.

And she was incorrigible! I told her we were too young. She pointed to the law, which said that two, consenting seventeen-year olds were allowed to get down.

I said it was too dangerous. She bought condoms, spermicide, and took birth control.

It came down to doing it, or losing her.

So I did it.

And I did not like it.

"I must be gay!"

I convinced myself that society had brainwashed me into being attracted to women, via programs like The Man Show and The Howard Stern Show; that friends' dirty comments about other girls were infecting my mind and teaching me to like something I didn't like.

Well, I tried to convince myself that.

For six years.

After four boyfriends and more man-on-man flings than I like to admit, it has finally hit me. Even after I began transitioning to "female", I still held onto the possibility that I wasn't really into girls. I didn't want to be wrong.

But I am so glad I was.

So how does Kate Bornstein play into all this? What does HRT have to do with anything? And how exactly did I maintain such a ridiculous falsity for six long, long years?

I'm a little scared to tease out that last one, I hope to answer these questions and more in a future post.