Detour: Why Blog About This?

I want to clarify a little about why I'm starting this blog.

My problems with identity, like most trans* people, began at a very young age.

As I became more entrenched within society - e.g. peers and the media - I began to construct ideas about identities and labels.

Like many people from and since my generation, I felt empowered by the messages about "being yourself," "you can be whatever you want," "you are unique," etc.

But my empowerment quickly became a tangled mess. Of the self-identifying categories from which to choose, I was not able to find one that fit. Ignorance had a lot to do with it, but even if I'd heard the word "transgender" or "transsexual" any sooner, I'm not sure I would have thought it applied to me.

Labels for sexuality were very familiar to me. I had been called "faggot," "queen," and such pejoratives. There were whispers amidst the boys about "lesbians." And it seemed like another, high-profile person was being "outed" every day.

Within the last thirty years or so, the media, society and the arts have placed heavy emphasis on the subject of sexuality. In fact, you might even say sexuality was "in vogue." Which is a very good thing. But knowing is only half the battle.

Feeling as though I was as normal as anyone else I'd heard about, I decided that sexuality must have been the cause of my pain and confusion. Thus, instead of seeing my problem as a gender issue, I allowed my gender problems to get masked by a conflict with sexuality.

But it's not all about sexuality. Gender roles - and how others expected me to fulfill them - also factored into my problem.

When I was expected to be "male," I felt as though I should have been more expected to be "female." The place where I most encountered that expectation was "in the bedroom," so to speak. As a previously heterosexual male, I assumed that if making love to women (as a male) didn't feel right, then I must be gay. I tried and tried to make my homosexuality true (for years!).

"What else could it be?" I thought.

Now, I can't help but wonder if anyone else has experienced such a confusion, and even stifled their own transition(s) in the process.

A typical part of the trans* tale (particularly for late-transitioners) tends to go like this:

"I got married and had kids to make my feelings about gender go away."

Or like this:

"I thought that by doing [hyper-masculine/hyper-feminine thing], my feelings about gender would go away."

But mine goes something like this:

"I thought that by understanding my sexuality, my feelings about gender would away."

Or more specifically:

"I thought that by being a gay man, I wouldn't want to be a woman."

And then after transition:

"I am a woman and I should love men."

But the truth is - and has always been - that I am a transwoman who is sexually attracted to females. You have no idea what a relief it is to understand that.

Or do you?

By starting this blog, I'm hoping to not only educate the public about people like me, but also reach out to others who may have gone through - or are going through - the same or a similar conflict.

Sexuality and gender, while distinctly different, are easy to mix up. And we shouldn't feel ashamed if we do mix it up. I hope to open a thoughtful discussion about the topic, discover ways we can help clarify the differences between sexuality and gender, and push for more education about the conflict, so that more people like us can understand themselves a little better.

Introduction: Denial (x2)

Have you ever denied something about yourself? I've done so in a couple of different ways: primarily consciously and primarily subconsciously. I was shocked upon discovering the denial that was primarily subconscious; it felt paranormal.

The primarily conscious denial, however... was no surprise whatsoever. In fact, I'd always known that I was denying that aspect of myself. It just took Kate Bornstein and female hormones to make me stop.

I don't know Kate Bornstein, but I read her memoir, A Queer and Pleasant Danger. I already knew I was transsexual when I started reading it. I didn't know that I was a lesbian. (...Kind of.)

Why do we deny things about ourselves?

In the case of my primarily subconscious denial - that I was trans - I decided long ago that exploring my gender would be 1) shameful and 2) pointless, because there was nothing I could do about it anyway (so I thought).

But why, oh why, did I deny that I was attracted to women?

Before beginning my transition, I knew that I liked girls. But when gender dysphoria nipped at my loins, I explained it away with the only conclusion my pubescent, subconsciously-in-denial consciousness could come up with: I was attracted to dudes!

I mean, why else would my high school self fear fulfilling the role that my girlfriend so badly needed me to? Why, after starting and enjoying a great relationship with her, would I all of a sudden take issue with that ostensibly glorious act of lovemaking?

"You want me to put what where???"

I'd seen The Man Show. I'd listened to The Howard Stern Show. I had even looked at those pornographic movies on the internet. But I never expected to face what she wanted me to do with her.

So there I was: a seventeen-year old, (mostly) heterosexual boy, who was afraid to lose his virginity with a beautiful girl.

And she was incorrigible! I told her we were too young. She pointed to the law, which said that two, consenting seventeen-year olds were allowed to get down.

I said it was too dangerous. She bought condoms, spermicide, and took birth control.

It came down to doing it, or losing her.

So I did it.

And I did not like it.

"I must be gay!"

I convinced myself that society had brainwashed me into being attracted to women, via programs like The Man Show and The Howard Stern Show; that friends' dirty comments about other girls were infecting my mind and teaching me to like something I didn't like.

Well, I tried to convince myself that.

For six years.

After four boyfriends and more man-on-man flings than I like to admit, it has finally hit me. Even after I began transitioning to "female", I still held onto the possibility that I wasn't really into girls. I didn't want to be wrong.

But I am so glad I was.

So how does Kate Bornstein play into all this? What does HRT have to do with anything? And how exactly did I maintain such a ridiculous falsity for six long, long years?

I'm a little scared to tease out that last one, I hope to answer these questions and more in a future post.